While Kyle and I have no intention of being on the road until Nathan has racked up his seventh country and fourth continent (as in the article), it is a timely article for our little family as we continue to transition into (and explore) the culture, childbirth, friends, playgroups and life in Germany, all the while missing the trappings and familiarity that "home" brings.
I thought you might enjoy the article, too:
From http://www.unspecial.org/2013/03/expatmothers/
Another difficulty expatmothers usually report is being geographically far from their parents, which means depriving their children of the pleasure of growing up with their grandparents. Especially for cultures that hold the extended family as a fundamental value, distance can be a big source of suffering. The good news is that technology and developments in the travel industry have made it very easy to shorten this distance. For an expatchild, talking to grandparents on Skype has become very natural, and grandparents travel more than in the past, thus establishing an affective routine that could be the envy of any ‘permanent’ grandchild. It is just a matter of using creativity and changing perspective to accept a new way of enjoying the family.
www.expatclic.com
Expatmothers
CLAUDIA LANDING
“My two boys, 16 and 21, are quadrilingual, have lived in seven countries on four continents, have friends in almost any country and feel at home anywhere in the world. I draw on my experience as an expatmother to reflect on some of the harsh aspects – and some of the good ones! – of bringing up children as citizens of the world”
Bringing up children in an unfamiliar environment and subjecting them to drastic changes of cultures, schools, friends, geography and climate is a unique challenge. This article is dedicated to those mothers who lead a mobile lifestyle, and bring up their children in ever-changing cultural environments and without an extended family and long-time friends to accompany them in what is probably the most magical and profound experience a woman can have. The lives of these mothers are marked by distinct factors and feelings.
Children usually don’t accept changes easily. While being very resilient creatures, most of them don’t like the idea of saying good-bye to a cosy and familiar setting, to move to an unknown country, a new school, and to have to make new friends, let alone learn a new language. Abruptly pulling them out of what constitutes their world is a task that always fills a mother with anguish and guilt. Adults are aware of the motivations that push them to new adventures, but children can be frustrated by a choice they do not share. Accompanying them through the process of breaking-thenews- saying-good-bye-packing-leaving-arriving- unpacking-settling-down can be painful and stressful for a mother, especially if she is the one in charge of helping the whole family build a new social and affective circle when relocating.
Upon arrival expatmothers are often first in line to help the family adapt, despite having no concrete link to the new country – no job, no school, no role. This feeling of isolation can be made stronger by the pressure of having to be optimistic and positive, so as to ease the transition for the whole family. Expatmothers become the glue that keeps the project together, the link that gives meaning to the suffering of relocating. That is why it is essential that expatmothers be very enthusiastic and profoundly convinced of their choice. Relocating demands a lot of emotional energy and commitment, but it can turn into a fabulous experience if the project really comes from the heart. Only strong motivation will enable expatmothers to communicate to their children the enthusiasm needed to overcome the initial obstacles.
The inability to clearly interpret the situation and give it back simplified and comprehensible to their children is another burden for expatmothers, who become the filter their children need to read their new surroundings. They must understand new and unknown lifestyles, registers, attitudes, and cultural expressions in order to fit in. While for permanent mothers the process of helping their children decode the world starts and ends in a known and familiar surrounding, expatmothers have to go through it in a world that is unknown to them. They must explain attitudes and behaviours they don’t understand to their children. While it is impossible to do that at the beginning, what can be shared and reinforced in children is the sense of curiosity and discovery that gives value to the encounter with a new culture. Instead of simply explaining how things work, it can be worthwhile to stimulate children in the journey of discovery, stressing the richness that comes from it.
The lack of a support network, which back home is constituted by an extended family, long-time friends, neighbours, and so on, is another problem expatmothers must learn to deal with. Without a supportive network, every single choice becomes difficult. Not only do expatmothers lack all the elements needed to take decisions, because they don’t know the culture, but they also have no one to rely on when choosing for their children. Besides, if anything sudden and serious happens (an accident, a disease, political troubles), expatmothers can only count on themselves to take care of their children. They certainly become experts in building solidarity and support networks, but this takes time, and that’s why it is very important to break the isolation as soon as possible: schools, expat clubs, women’s associations, neighbours, anything that can help get in touch with people is a must for relocating mothers.
Another difficulty expatmothers usually report is being geographically far from their parents, which means depriving their children of the pleasure of growing up with their grandparents. Especially for cultures that hold the extended family as a fundamental value, distance can be a big source of suffering. The good news is that technology and developments in the travel industry have made it very easy to shorten this distance. For an expatchild, talking to grandparents on Skype has become very natural, and grandparents travel more than in the past, thus establishing an affective routine that could be the envy of any ‘permanent’ grandchild. It is just a matter of using creativity and changing perspective to accept a new way of enjoying the family.
www.expatclic.com
I read this article after I returned home from my first Mothers Corner coffee and am happy to have "broken my isolation."
:) sbc
