D is for Doula

There are many, many things that are—at once—very fascinating and super challenging about being pregnant and planning to give birth outside of your home country.

Getting my seven-months-pregnant-self up the endless subway stairs or hill to my house = super challenging. 

Watching Kyle sleep and realizing he looks just like the baby’s 3-D ultrasound picture = very fascinating.

Sometimes it feels a lot like taking a class—reading books about motherhood and breastfeeding, marking my progress in journals, reading more books about fatherhood and birthing—you know, all the stuff I won’t have time for “next time around” (fingers crossed) and will hopefully have learned!  


Simultaneously we’re exposed to how “they do it over here.”  Starting out, the U.S. way of doing things was the standard by which we measured. With each event, milestone and trimester, we've learned, learned, and learned-some-more (and loosened that standard. A lot.)

I expected two or three predictable questions when sharing the news of my pregnancy: When are you due? What are you having? Where will you deliver (US or here)?

Instead, my news was most often met with: Do you have a Doula or a Midwife? Will you go to a birthing center or hospital?

Huh? What is a Doula? With this question, the referrals poured in. The idea of a Doula was new to me, but apparently not at all new to the expat community. I received emails from moms and dads alike. It was fascinating.

In technical terms, a Doula is a woman who provides non-medical support during labor, birth and the postpartum period. The word Doula (different link than previous) comes from the ancient Greek meaning "a woman who serves." 

Our certified Doula is named Lisa.  She has two children, the first was born under the care of Dr. Kwon (our doc). Her second was born at home via water birth.  Lisa will tell you she prefers the title Transition Coach: A person that helps couples transition from pregnancy through labor and birth into parenthood.

At first, our interest in hiring a Doula was mostly language related (Lisa speaks fluent Korean). I took my first meeting with Lisa thinking that it might make some sense to have a person in the room who could communicate with the various health care providers that were sure to be part of our experience before Dr. Kwon was in the room. (And to have someone to make sure I didn’t miss my last chance for an epidural--which I am no longer 100% sold on).

We met for coffee and chatted.

She asked what our goal was. I was like, “Ummm, I guess, to have a healthy baby.”

She said, “Let me ask this another way: What do you want from this experience—your first as parents?”

Wow. Just the first of many questions I hadn’t thought to ponder.

I brought home her material and reviewed it with Kyle. It took a while for him to come around to the idea of Lisa, but he kept an open mind remembering that we are giving birth far from home without the physical and emotional support of either of our moms, any of our sisters or our friends.  I don’t know that we would have given the idea of a Doula a second thought if we were in the States. But we weren’t. So we did.

Lisa came to the house to meet Kyle and Pete. I kept thinking my mother would love her, she’s a “everything in moderation” kind of gal. Want coffee? Have some from time to time. Don’t be afraid of soft cheese, just don’t eat it every day. And so on.

She made a point that has really stuck with us: Think about how much planning and time go into your wedding day/honeymoon or buying a house. These are life-changing events that you prepare for and that carry a significant financial obligation. A child is at least as important as these things, yet, many leave all the decision making to the doctor. You are a parent, not a patient.

She left us our required reading and we start childbirth classes later in March. I am researching the policies of our hospital as it relates to foreigners (discrimination is not against the law here and happens often) and visiting a birthing center. Like I said, with each event, milestone and trimester, we learn-learn-and-learn-some-more (and now laugh that we ever measured against a standard.)

I am learning answers to questions I have never even thought of asking.

I am learning there is not one right way to give birth, just a series of decisions you can prepare yourselves to make to ensure a positive, safe and healthy experience for baby and parents.

I am learning that every mom agrees on one thing: the experience, while as old as time, is unique to each woman. 

I am learning that what works for me may not be the preference of other women and vice versa. And that is ok.

I am learning to take everything with a grain of salt and ask most questions twice.

I am learning that I am thankful for the opportunity to have a child in another country because it challenges me to validate every assumption and expectation I have about “what is supposed to happen.”

I am learning.

I do look forward to the day when I look back at this blog entry “knowing what we now know/have learned,” and have an opinion on what we wrote--if I can stay awake long enough to dig it up from the archives, that is! 


Jsbc